Missing My Kids

Saw Sade last night with Mel at Rogers Arena.  Was magical.  Rocked out to "Smooth Operator" and "Soldier of Love", slow-danced to "Moon & the Sky". Wonderful to see her for the first time!

Missing the kids a lot today.  Bit of a rough morning.  Maybe it was all the Sade the night before.  Just want to touch them and hug them, getting those same panic attacks I feel when I'm stuck on a plane for too long.  I thought that was claustrophobia, but apparently it has more to do (at least partly) with an inability to access the people I love, the inability to leave where I am right now and easily move to where I want to be.  In this case, to move into the next room so I can hold my children.

I'm glad we came to Vancouver.  I remember all the reasons why this was a good idea and, of course, we never could have done this unless we really believed that.  But, man, sometimes it`s a bit unbearable being this far away from them.  Not being able to watch James play the Dubliners on his penny whistle, listen to Jenni sing a song she just wrote on the guitar, or enjoy a new drawing by Ricky of some mythical creature accompanied by one of his richly-detailed explanations.  Run down to 7-11 for a Slurpee, drive to the city limits to make a quick movie, buzz over to the mall to check out hunting gear at Bass Pro.

Not being able to do those things - to watch them grow up day by day, to meet their new girlfriends or boyfriend: you know, the big stuff - that's one thing.  But sometimes all you want to do is walk into their bedrooms and watch them as they sleep.  Just to make sure they're okay, that's it.  Just to stare, mystified at how they managed to turn out so well, and in awe at how grown-up they look now.  I used to do that all the time with them, right up till the morning before we left: sneak in and listen to them snore, think about how small they once were or how big they'll soon be, send up a little prayer to who-knows-who to keep them safe, plan what we'd do that day once they wake up.  I'm really, really missing that today.

I need a coffee.